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April Fool’s — A December Feeling
Dark Questions
August 2019 — We were having dinner at a new restaurant that we passed by on our way home. The conversation was about weird birthday stories, we were nibbling on the last bit of food and laughing. That is when he decided to look me straight in the eyes and ask me to remind him of my birthday month.
“April,” I said
“Aha, yeah, of course, April Fool’s,” he said nodding without breaking eye contact.
At the time I didn’t understand why but him saying that while maintaining eye contact had all kinds of negative thoughts rush to my mind. The phrase had me question my entire existence for the rest of the night and months to come. Was that all I am to him? A joke of existence. Was it because I hadn’t met his expectations of who I should have been by now? Of what I should be doing? Of where I should be living? Is he so disappointed in me that he considers my birth as a prank? It was as if he was expecting the biggest success story but all he got was an unemployed adult.
Those dark questions still run through my head 5 months later. But the pain that phrase caused is slowly drifting away, I don’t feel the painful stab to my soul anymore. Am I healing or am I accepting those dark thoughts as a reality?
